Tis the season.

I like Christmas. I like the idea of what it is supposed to be about. I don't like that Christians hijacked it and are trying to make it about something it isn't. I don't like that they aren't educated enough to know the 'Christ' is NOT the reason for the season. It's about the winter solstice and pagan rituals that go along with it. Just because some pope decided to one day try and take over the pagan celebration and make it into a christian thing by saying Jesus was born on Dec 25th, that doesn't mean that Christians from that point on claim ownership of that day. First, lets be clear. Jesus was not born in the winter. According to the bible, he was born in the fall. Also, Mary did not deliver in a stable. The translation of the word manger actually means guest room or family room. The wise men didn't show up that same night, it was a while later... The whole Santa thing? That's a pagan thing too. Have you never wondered wtf Santa had to do with Jesus? Nothing. the celebration was all about the return of light, once the darkest day of the year is past and days begin to get noticeably longer and they give thanks to the sun god and offer gifts and bring boughs of living green boughs into their homes. Jesus is just something the catholic church tried to ram down every ones throat and for years and years, true Christians refused to celebrate Christmas because of it's association with paganism. Now, the nut job Christians try and cram nativities and Jesus down our throats like we are the ones who are hijacking their holiday? Learn your facts. It's not about your Jesus or your misrepresented nativity. It SHOULD be about family and love and the spirit of the real Christmas and that's being thankful for a good year and the hope of a good year to come with your family and friends. Forget the commercialism and the gifts and the greed and the hate you want to spew at people who don't want your Jesus in their holiday. It's about being thankful to be alive and having people you love to enjoy life with you. I intend to celebrate with my family this year, in what I hope will be a year of starting traditions that have less to do with gifts and more to do with the true spirit of the season.

The Hate.

There are some days when I feel like it's not even worth going on. Everything that can go bad does go bad. Nothing works out right at all, every comment, dream, thought is shot down. Those are the bad days. When everything people say to me wounds deeper than it would have the day before because I am already vulnerable. I tell myself not to be angry, not to hate, but it doesn't work. The hate always comes back. Always worse on those days, and the anger that comes with it. The anger at all of the horrible things people have done and still do. The anger that the willingly blind refuse to see what is so apparent to me. The anger that people who are monstrous still live their lives like everything is OK and they deserve to be happy. Anger that karma hasn't exacted a price from them. Anger that I have to watch people cater to them and dote on them like they are worth it. I cannot stop hating these people, though I have heard every argument against hate. I know it hurts me as much as it hurts them, but I am still so angry. I can't make it go away.

Chaos

I feel like my life has been chaos lately! Maybe I bit off more than I could chew in letting the kids sign up for more than one sport at a time. This week, we do not have a single night at home. Last week we were in the Doctors office with Brynn (still waiting on biopsy results from that) and then in the ER with Aidan and his arm. Weekend saw a Basketball skills tests for both of them and then 3 soccer games for Aidan. Next weekend Aidan has two soccer games and an undetermined amount of football games, as well as football and basketball practices for both all week long.

Holidays are coming up as well. Yeah right.

One of my DC moms is still having a problem paying me, and I am about to get mean with her. Another mom is on an undetermined leave from her work, pending an investigation into the company she works for. Not good. Why is it that I can only manage to get paid half my pay at a time? Also, Ex and his lawyer called, basically outright admitted they were going to screw me over on child support. Why do men think they shouldn't have to help with their own kids? What is it about men that makes them think it's ok to just completely shrug that responsibility off? pretty sick of it!

I do have one fantastic thing going for me right now. The guy I am seeing makes me smile from the moment I wake in the mornings. He is pretty great. The kind of guy every girl hopes to find in her life. He may not be a browncoat, or even know what that means, and he may not play D&D or WoW, or be even the slightest bit geeky, but he is awesome enough in other ways that I don't even care. I like him more than pie.

Struggling

Every time I think I have things ironed out and on track to start working, something derails it all. One step foreward two steps back. Whatever old saying you want to use, it is applying to me right now. I get a roommate, a DC dad loses his job and I lose half my DC income. I Get another roommate and advertise for more DC kids, and one of my DC moms starts struggling financially and can't pay me. I get my DC positions filled and a roommate finds free lodging with a friend. Bills are due, mortgage is due, kids want to play sports. House keeps breaking in different ways. Ex's lawyer calls and says he has been in touch with child support people and my ex doesn't have to pay what he said he would at first, which was a small amount anyway and the divorce is being pushed back again. Brynn has been fretting over a mole that has changed in size and shape and she was told was indicative of cancer. Waiting on news from that is frustrating for her and I both. I want to scream and pull my hair out! Or just climb in bed and cry. I want shed of my ex. Too long has he destroyed my emotions in some way. Three years is too long to wait for a divorce!

The flip side to this coin and my horribly bad luck I have been having.. I have been seeing a great guy. He is the reason I can still smile and poke my head out of the blankets each morning. He can make me grin no matter how bad my day is going with just a few words. It's been a long time since I have been around a truly good guy...almost dont know how to act! Every nice gesture or kind act is met with cynical skepticism from me, wondering what his angle is, what he must want in return. He is patient with me despite that, not sure why! Just hope he remains patient while I re-learn what it's like to function in a healthy relationship.

Baby Steps

With the multitude of things going wrong in my life, I knew it would take a series of baby steps to get it going in the right direction again. For so long I was too depressed to get it moving that way. Finally started taking all of thise little steps that would start putting things back on course. Got my basement done, cleaned up the flood damage, moved my room downstairs and the kids too. Renting out a room to cover half the mortgage. Putting more ads up for additional daycare since the twins dad got laid off and I lost half my income. Getting extra junk hauled away and finally adopting out the dogs that were supposed to be temporary. Baby steps.
Trying to help with my depression as well. Have people over at my house every week. That's supposed to help, and it seems to. Laughing, joking, smiling.. it all helps.
Dating is another story. I have bad luck when it comes to dating... very bad luck. I will get into that another time.
It does feel good to finally start getting things set in the right direction instead of hiding from my problems and hating the world like I was.

Cool to be a geek....

I have noticed a trend over the past couple years, one that actually kind of bugs me. Suddenly, it's cool to be a geek. Everyone and anyone is claiming geek status. Still trying to figure out why, it used to be a bad thing. There came a point when my fellow geeks and I started wearing the status as a badge of honor, the same as the jocks and the popular kids wore theirs in school. As an adult out of school, in todays society, it's suddenly 'cool' to be a geek. Guess what? We don't want you! What exactly is your claim to geekdom?? If you still make fun of me for playing D&D, for quoting Lord of the Rings (long before the movies came out), for having Star Wars movie posters hanging in my living room as well as my extensive collection of Star Wars t-shirts, and for having 7 level 85's on World of Warcraft, guess what? that's called an asshole, not a geek. Having 14 different Apple products with no idea how to fix them or even knowing all of their available uses does not make you a tech geek. Being a fan of tattoos does not make you a tattoo geek. Being a sports fan most definately does not quilify you as a sports geek. (are you fucking kidding me??) Being a hipster does not make you a 'cool geek'. (It does make me want to punch you in the teeth) Having a desk job where you work on a computer does not automatically qualify you as a geek. Playing solitaire, minecraft, or ANY facebook game does not qualify you as a gamer geek. You don't just get to claim it because it's now a cool thing to be, so fuck off. Geeks earned their status through bullies, wedgies, noogies and worse. Until you go through the same, you an just go back to being whatever you were before you decided you wanted to be a geek.
: /

Things that don't define me....

But you need to know about me all the same.
Lately it seems like I am running into a lot more people who don't really know me well enough to know the little things about me. Aquaintences mostly, some parents from sports, new friends from other places.
Things about me you need to know, but I normally don't just tell everyone because these things don't define me:

I am legally deaf. If I am staring at your mouth moving, it's not because you have something in your teeth. If you mumble, are male or have a deep voice, chances are I can't hear you. If I just smile and nod and don't answer when you ask me something, I didn't hear you. If I say something that doesn't make sense, I misheard you.

I am bisexual. I like men and women. Gay jokes are not ok around me. A good portion of my family is gay. I take offense. 'Gay' is not a word to describe something bad. If you say 'That's so gay' or something like that, I will call you out. Same with the word 'retarded'. There are people in the world, awesome people, who don't deserve to have to hear that word spewed from the mouths of hateful, callous people.

I am demophobic. I don't like large groups of people, and I really really really dislike being touched, especially by strangers, so don't be offended if I jerk away from you even if it's an accidental brush.

I am an athiest. I don't believe in your god or anyone elses god. I do believe in people, and I believe they answer to themselves in the long run.

I have OCD. Not the TV parody, haha, joke about it OCD, the I count everything I do and do everything in series of sets and numbers and repetitive patterns. No, I don't clean alot, in fact I am pretty messy. There are several types of OCD, and what you see on TV, the germophobes, that's actually the most rare form. Many people say 'I am OCD about that', or 'I am so OCD', and they have no idea what it's like to live that way. It's like nails on a chalkboard to hear it. For someone to say 'I have OCD' when they have never been diagnosed with anything but strep throat in their lives, it makes me want to punch them in their teeth.

Now you know.

:P

A few years...

It's been a couple of years since I have posted anything on my blog. I haven't talked a lot on here sine the ex and I first split up. In the beginning, he used everything I wrote about against me, so I just stopped writing. Time heals, or so I am told, and maybe now things have moved on enough that he no longer cares what I write about.
So, catching up. Past few months have been hell. After the flood, it seemed like everything just started piling on. Chief, my sweet boy, was poisoned, and soon after my Gunther got sick and I feared the same, so I took him into the vet to find out he had pneumonia. A couple thousand dollars later, he is fine, save for the spots he still has. Hereditary mange of some sort. I have to try and give him baths that he hates, and he is bigger than Goose now.
I got a roommate to help cut expenses, but I think he costs more than it's worth, considering he doesn't pay. Lost 2 of my daycare kids because their dad lost his job, and one of the moms was evicted because of a guy taking advantage of her and she hasn't been able to pay me for 5 weeks now. Yeah. It never rains. It also floods!
I finally got all of the flood mess cleaned up here this last weekend, and I am working on getting my whole house set to rights, but it's a huge process. There comes a point, when everything is going so badly, that you lose your will to keep trying. Trying to kick myself into action and get things to rights again.
Also, fairly recently I have started trying to date again. I almost think I shouldn't. I am 35 and fairly set in my ways, on top of being hard-headed and stubborn. Having someone else poke in and try and impose their schedule/routines on mine is kind of irritating. With the temper I have, it's just not a good thing. I have to really find someone I like A LOT in order for them not to annoy the piss out of me. Granted, I have a small temper....
Moving on to more fun things. Monster is doing well in football, he is really blossoming this year! Brynn is finding her little preteen Jr high niche in school, loving basketball and choir and all that. I quit WoW and all online gaming for a while, after the flood. I was removed from my raiding guild for missing a couple of raids and it depressed me to no end considering what I had put into the guild and that I had missed them because of tornadoes and flooding. You would have thought there would have been an ounce of compassion or understanding there, but that's what happens when you deal with the Internet. Nameless, faceless people who will happily use you and have no problems casting you aside when you cease to be useful, even for a moment. Just here recently, within the past few days, I started playing again. Almost forgot how relaxing it was to be able to lose yourself for a while.
Holiday season is coming up... Been thinking about taking a new approach this year.