The Hate.

There are some days when I feel like it's not even worth going on. Everything that can go bad does go bad. Nothing works out right at all, every comment, dream, thought is shot down. Those are the bad days. When everything people say to me wounds deeper than it would have the day before because I am already vulnerable. I tell myself not to be angry, not to hate, but it doesn't work. The hate always comes back. Always worse on those days, and the anger that comes with it. The anger at all of the horrible things people have done and still do. The anger that the willingly blind refuse to see what is so apparent to me. The anger that people who are monstrous still live their lives like everything is OK and they deserve to be happy. Anger that karma hasn't exacted a price from them. Anger that I have to watch people cater to them and dote on them like they are worth it. I cannot stop hating these people, though I have heard every argument against hate. I know it hurts me as much as it hurts them, but I am still so angry. I can't make it go away.

Chaos

I feel like my life has been chaos lately! Maybe I bit off more than I could chew in letting the kids sign up for more than one sport at a time. This week, we do not have a single night at home. Last week we were in the Doctors office with Brynn (still waiting on biopsy results from that) and then in the ER with Aidan and his arm. Weekend saw a Basketball skills tests for both of them and then 3 soccer games for Aidan. Next weekend Aidan has two soccer games and an undetermined amount of football games, as well as football and basketball practices for both all week long.

Holidays are coming up as well. Yeah right.

One of my DC moms is still having a problem paying me, and I am about to get mean with her. Another mom is on an undetermined leave from her work, pending an investigation into the company she works for. Not good. Why is it that I can only manage to get paid half my pay at a time? Also, Ex and his lawyer called, basically outright admitted they were going to screw me over on child support. Why do men think they shouldn't have to help with their own kids? What is it about men that makes them think it's ok to just completely shrug that responsibility off? pretty sick of it!

I do have one fantastic thing going for me right now. The guy I am seeing makes me smile from the moment I wake in the mornings. He is pretty great. The kind of guy every girl hopes to find in her life. He may not be a browncoat, or even know what that means, and he may not play D&D or WoW, or be even the slightest bit geeky, but he is awesome enough in other ways that I don't even care. I like him more than pie.

Struggling

Every time I think I have things ironed out and on track to start working, something derails it all. One step foreward two steps back. Whatever old saying you want to use, it is applying to me right now. I get a roommate, a DC dad loses his job and I lose half my DC income. I Get another roommate and advertise for more DC kids, and one of my DC moms starts struggling financially and can't pay me. I get my DC positions filled and a roommate finds free lodging with a friend. Bills are due, mortgage is due, kids want to play sports. House keeps breaking in different ways. Ex's lawyer calls and says he has been in touch with child support people and my ex doesn't have to pay what he said he would at first, which was a small amount anyway and the divorce is being pushed back again. Brynn has been fretting over a mole that has changed in size and shape and she was told was indicative of cancer. Waiting on news from that is frustrating for her and I both. I want to scream and pull my hair out! Or just climb in bed and cry. I want shed of my ex. Too long has he destroyed my emotions in some way. Three years is too long to wait for a divorce!

The flip side to this coin and my horribly bad luck I have been having.. I have been seeing a great guy. He is the reason I can still smile and poke my head out of the blankets each morning. He can make me grin no matter how bad my day is going with just a few words. It's been a long time since I have been around a truly good guy...almost dont know how to act! Every nice gesture or kind act is met with cynical skepticism from me, wondering what his angle is, what he must want in return. He is patient with me despite that, not sure why! Just hope he remains patient while I re-learn what it's like to function in a healthy relationship.