Fear

     You were such a shock, such a surprise. For a moment, all I could think about were the bad things. The long sleepless nights, the pain and discomfort, being a grandmother by the time you graduate high school and 18 more years of a life not my own. I panicked. I could not imagine going through it all again at my age.
     Then yesterday happened. The moment I saw the blood, I knew. I knew that I was not afraid of you, that I wanted you with all my heart. I was so afraid of losing you, I was terrified. You are loved, you are so incredibly loved. I adore you already and my heart is so full of eagerness to hold you and welcome you to our family. You are a wonderfully bright star that has shot into my life, my little Sunshine. Please don't take my Sunshine away.

Struggling

Struggling in any way just absolutely sucks, but struggling with family and money is beyond stressful. Add struggling with health to that and you find out how strong you can be. Sometimes I don't feel very strong at all and I just want to give up.
Having bad days, bad weeks, bad months and trying to stay positive, it becomes more and more of a chore until there is nothing left but anger. Anger that you are trying so hard and no one else is. Anger that people just want to walk on you and find ways to make you the bad guy no matter what. Why is it so hard just to be happy? Why do people have to find ways to be miserable and bring you down with them? At what point do you give up and expunge all of the negativity from your life?

Bitter loss....

     A couple days ago, Brynn's kitten, Delilah, got out. I heard her yowling and checked outside and found her clinging to the door, her claws bleeding and blood coming from her mouth. She was cold and limp and raspy for over an hour, but I wrapped her in a blanket and snugged her, and between me holding her and Princess licking her face constantly, she came around. Got up, drank water, ate, played with Princess like normal.
     Brynn adores this kitten and was upset when she got home and discovered something had gotten a hold of her and she had been hurt. She snugged and loved on her, and Delilah ate up the extra attention. Every day when Brynn gets home, Delilah comes running, climbs whatever is closest to Brynn and jumps onto her shoulders, then hangs out there, purring happily. She is wherever Brynn is when Brynn is home, sleeping in her bed with her, loving on her, being very un-cat-like and utterly devoted to Brynn.
     This morning, I woke up super sick, throwing up, the whole nine yards. Princess always hovers when I am sick, so I was not surprised when she started doing her howler monkey thing while I was hugging the porcelain god. It did occur to me though, that it was unusual that she wasn't laying on my legs or whatever part of me that she could lay on. She was freaking out, running between me and the living room, so I followed her out and saw that Bunny had climbed onto the couch where she could reach the kittens tail. Delilah is always very patient with Bunny, never scratches or gets mad, just waits until she can escape, so I wasn't surprised that She was just laying there letting Bunny yank on her tail. When Princess jumped onto the back of the couch and kept crying, I went and checked on Delilah, who wasn't moving. She had passed. We did not know that she had something wrong inside of her, she had been acting so normal. Princess would not leave her side for two hours. Even after I wrapped her in a towel and set her in the garage, Princess stayed by the door and mourned her little friend. She finally came and laid in my lap, but she is still shaking and has tears in her little eyes. I haven't told Brynn yet, and I can't imagine how devastated she will be, she adores that cat as much as that cat adored her. Such a sad morning.

Hard descisions

Today I made a hard descision. Anyone close to me knows I have had some problems in my past. People joke about the 'bad touch uncle' in every family. The problem with the one in my family is that he has daughters. Some hate him for what he is, some pretend not to know what he is and some defend him. How do you deal with a situation like that? Well, for me, I didn't talk about it for years, pretended everything was ok, even though I had 30 years worth of nightmares. I remember that day so vividly. The other kids playing in the living room. My sister and my cousin Tia were close and rarely played with me, and my brother and my cousin Matt were close, both way younger than me, so I played alone a lot. That day, I was playing in my aunts master bathroom. She had these strawberry soaps she had as decorations and the sun coming in the little window was golden. I was having a pretend picnic on the bathmat with those strawberry soaps, I was about 7 or 8 years old. The he came in the door, saw me sitting there on the floor and turned and locked the door.
I still have nightmares to this day. When my mom called the police, some of his daughters got mad, they called me a liar and worse. Charges were dropped, but I never forgot. Years passed, it was never talked about. 30 years later, he got facebook. The first time he friend requested me, I got sick. I denied the request and looked up facebook rules about sexual predators and harrassment. A day later, one of his daughters suggested him as a friend to me. I know she did it out of malice, so I blocked her as well. This morning, I woke up to another friend request from him. This time, I accepted it. I carefully thought about what I should say to him. It wasn't eloquent, just angry, and I think my exact words were. "Fuck you, you child molesting piece of shit. I will never forget or forgive." Then I unfriended him and blocked him.
Did he assume that 30 years of silence meant I forgot him? That I forgave what he did? 30 years of nightmares will never let me forget. What right does he have to torment me, or any of his victims? Why is he still walking free? I don't even care if some of his daughters get angry at me, I don't have to forgive him, not ever. They can deny what he is all they want, but I know they all know the truth. They may be able to forgive him, or ignore it, deny anything is wrong, but I don't have to. I am allowed to hate the man who, to this day, makes me sick when someone mentions him, when I wake up from a nightmare about him, or even when a similar situation pops up on TV or media. I have a right to the anger still in me.

Nightmares and memories

Nightmares are a normal part of life for so many people. For me they are usually triggers. Like a movie or show with a particular type of scene, it triggers memories. Memories trigger nightmares which compound all of the issues. Stress levels climb, anxiety overwhelms. I don't want to leave my house or see people. So many don't understand, and how can I explain? I don't even have answers.
'Did you remember your meds?' B will ask. He knows how bad things can get for me and he tries to understand. He knows what situations will set me off. Crowds of people, clammoring to talk over one another. Social situations, especially with people I don't really know, and people who don't know that I have hearing problems.
I don't dislike people, I am not angry or cold. I am sick. People don't understand the difference. People don't know what OCD really is. No, I don't want to clean your house, but thanks for the stereotype. I will count everything I do in my head though, and I will use numbers and habits for everything I do, and if I can't then I won't do it. If I don't have 12 sugars to put in my tea, I wont drink it, and I dont want pre-sweetened tea. This is an issue for me and people can't understand why I can't just 'get over it'. There are so many little issues like this for me. Besides the OCD, I grew up with a dissociative disorder that went long unrecognied until I joined the military. Back then I was far too ashamed to tell anyone about it. There is a stigma associated with mental illness. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well, I wasn't surprised. I knew it wasn't exactly normal to stay up for several days straight, writing and spewing creativity, then crashing and not getting out of bed for a week. The medication was more than I could handle though, I hated being a zombie. I also missed writing. I couldn't have both, my mind was too fuzzy on the meds. I took myself off of them and stopped going to the doctor. At the time I would rather hit those lows so that I could have the highs too. Later, things began getting worse. I began hearing things, and I was always afraid. I would sleep in my closet with the door wedged shut because I was so afraid someone was going to break in. Still, I was afraid to tell anyone I knew. They would judge me, think less of me. It wasn't until after I had my son that I decided to get help again. I didn't want my kids to have to deal with my problems.
I went for several months, but it didn't help. He unlocked memories that made things so much worse for me, and he wasn't helping control any of my issues. I became more and more reclusive, not leaving my home hardly at all, only socializing via internet. The thought of dealing with people in person brought about a sense of dread that would make me sick if I had to ponder it at all.
Years went by, I stayed alone, pretty much dealing with only my family and my anxiety got worse. Depression began weighing me down more and more. The highs left, all that was left was the low.
Finding facebook helped a little. I began talking to people again, getting in touch with people I had known once, including B. After years of separation, my divorce became final and B and I started seeing each other. My anger and depression was almost too much for him. He convinced me to try again to get help. My depression is under control now, with the help of medication, but the other things are a constant trial for me and for him. The anxiety, the OCD, the bipolar disorder, the dark dreams and swings, the fear of social situations. I try especially hard for B, but I know his family and friends have a hard time understanding me. I know I should no longer feel ashamed of my issues, but part of my problem is being able to express myself face to face with someone. Writing has always been easier for me.
While things have been better for me in the past year, most especially because of how patient and understanding B and my kids have been, I still have some lows and issues. Usually triggered by memory dreams, memories after particular scenes in shows and movies, and sometimes even facebook and poeple mentioning things. B has a hard time dealing with these things. How does he explain to people that they can't just stop in to our home on a whim because I might be having an anxiety issue or panic attack? He is a social creature and very close to his very huge family. I love that about him and hope my kids take after him and not me, even encouraging them to be more outgoing. Also, things are different out here. People still see mental illness as a bad thing, and not just the sickness that it is. They will support a community member who has cancer, but look with disdain at someone who is bipolar or 'crazy'. It's a hard thing to deal with alone. I am glad B is here for me now!

Tea Party Idiocy

I was once in the military and I have always had opinionated family. That's a lot of political views shoved down your throat and for a long time I never questioned. The Internet era came along, and information became readily available for anyone who wanted to use it. I slowly started to lose all of my anger and hate as I read more and more about our country, and I began to wonder why there were still so many hateful and angry people in the world, despite all the information they had at their fingertips. I discovered later that they were being fed propaganda by sources like Fox news, or they had viral multimedia passed among them that was flat false and perpetuating the lies. I cannot tell you how many e-mails I had to delete from racist hatemongers over the last few years, until I finally just blocked certain people. It's hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not counter an idiotic opinion when I see one, but I am trying hard to be less confrontational. Instead, I will write about it in my blog and get it off my chest.
I will start with illegal immigrants. This is a hot button for many people. First, let me start off by saying, we were all immigrants once, unless you are an American Indian, every last one of us came over and made this country ours. Next, is this: Our founding fathers founded this country on all men having equal rights and having this country to come to to find these rights. (Nothing to do with religion or god, save for freedom FROM religious persecution). People complain 'they are taking our jobs'. First, they take the lowest of the low jobs that no Americans will step up and take because they don't pay enough. Second, if you want to complain about people taking our jobs, look to the huge corporations and rich assholes like Romney who ship jobs overseas to be outsources so they can save money. For every 'illegal immigrant' taking a job here in the states, there are 6 being shipped overseas. Yet I hear very few people voicing complaints over that, in fact the same people crying about illegal immigrants taking jobs have Romney signs in their yards. Nothing wrong with that picture. : / Next is the complaint 'They don't bother to learn our language! This is America, I don't have to press one to hear English!' There once was a time when your ancestors had to learn a new language, learn a new way of life, and America is about EQUAL rights. I am losing my hearing more and more as I age, at some point, when I go to a hospital or a government facility, I may need someone to translate sign for me. Will people sit in the waiting room and bitch that their tax dollars are being wasted on someone who clearly can't speak their English language? It's called understanding and compassion for your fellow man. Not your fellow American. Every person deserves rights, and a chance to make it in this world, especially if they aren't really hurting you. (I have never heard of anyone falling over dead because they heard someone speaking a foreign language at their wal-mart)
My next rant: People on welfare or food stamps. Ok. I understand that there are people in this world who take advantage of situations, but for every one that does, there are 5 that aren't. Did you know that our own military doesn't pay well enough to sustain a family, that many low ranking military families have to have help to make it? People who work for huge corporations like wal-mart or any minimum wage job cannot meet the cost of living demands, yet the minimum wage has not been raised in years despite this. Most people cannot say they have gone their whole lives without help from somewhere. I know starting out and even here recently, I could not have made it if not for my family, my mom and dad have been a lifesaver more than once for me and my kids. If the kid in front of me in line at the grocery store with the new baby is paying with WIC, I don't look in her cart and judge her, I am glad she is getting a little help with what she and that baby need. If I see a family with more in their cart than I have in mine paying with food stamps, it's ok. If help allows them to get something extra for their kids, and their kids don't have to do without, I do not begrudge them that, I am glad we live in a world where those kids don't have to live on mac and cheese and ramen alone. I have been there, my kids have been there and that sucks. You say your tax dollars are paying for their grand lifestyle, but how do you know their tax dollars aren't doing the same thing? How do you justify judging them without knowing their whole story? Next time you see a family like that, consider extra things, like what if one of the parents is sick? What if they can only find minimum wage jobs? Have you ever paid for daycare on a minimum wage salary and had enough leftover to pay bills too? If they have something in their cart you can't afford, consider that it is a one time splurge, a birthday or graduation or something special like that. You think because they are getting help that they should never be able to have anything extra? That is a very selfish viewpoint in my opinion. I know there are people who do take advantage of the system, I have met them, but I don't think everyone out there is taking advantage, and I don't think that every person who is getting assistance should be judged by people who have no idea about their life. Instead, be glad that our country is set up with a way to provide assistance for those in need, and be happy that you aren't one of the people who have to stand in line and be judged by others.
Taxes. I know a big deal for this 'party' is taxes, and cutting them. First, let's take a look at what taxes do and compare the US with a couple other countries. Taxes raise money for everything in our governments infrastructure. Roads, bridges, hospitals, fire stations, police, military the list goes on and on. I realize, that some of these taxes get earmarked into things that they shouldn't, and that these things need to be weeded out, but for the most part, taxes do positive things for our country. Specific taxes, like an extra tax on tobacco products. This is a two way positive. It raises money for our education system among other things, and it helps people decide to quit smoking and be a little healthier and keep people around them a little healthier too. I know that for people who smoke, they want to piss and moan about it, but Missouri has one of the LOWEST tobacco taxes in the US. If they raised it just a little, think of the extra our kids could have in school. People complain, 'but it doesn't make people stop smoking, it just puts a bigger burden on the lower classes'. Smoking is a choice, an addiction and bad habit that can be quit, they are making a choice they make, and they can choose to stop. If they don't, then paying extra into the education system will only help better our worlds future. Same with gas taxes. Foreign countries have MUCH higher gas taxes. Do you know what that gets them? A better transit system that gets used, a healthier and less obese population and less pollution, less use of limited fossil fuels as well as extra money towards infrastructure. I know our culture is spoiled, they like to get in their cars and go on a whim, but a higher tax will start training all of us to use our resources better and take less for granted, as well as making us healthier. By the time our kids are our age, biking to school or walking three blocks to the store won't be a big deal. I understand there are pitfalls to this, especially in agricultural communities, there would have to be an agriculture deferment or refund, but my point is, in the long run, think about what taxes are really doing. It is not just the government taking more of your money, it goes somewhere. We may not like where it goes, but that's why we vote. Personally, I think our military budget is out of control and no one is trying to stop that massive gushing leak. We need to invest more in our children, education, green energy, taking care of our homeless and elderly, worry about being a better nation and not the biggest kid on the schoolyard. It's not a handout or someone taking something from you for our nation to stand as one and help each other. It just takes a little less hate and a little more human understanding. <3

Atheism

I have had a few people curious about why I am an atheist. Some are nice about it, some snarky. Either way, most reasons people THINK I became an atheist are wrong. Nothing bad happened that made me lose my faith, I am not angry or rebelling. I am not following a trend. My reasons are simple. First, sound reasoning. The bible is contradictory. It was written by dozens of different men in many different languages over many different decades. No one agrees on translation and most professionals believe that most of it is allegory. Second, look further back into other religions. Almost all of the Christian religion is based on another religion when it does not copy it outright. It adapts itself into pagan rituals that already exist and then tries to claim them for it's own. (IE christmas) Religion is region based and every religion swears theirs is right. Being born into a region predetermines what religion you are going to be. Next, religion is harmful. Religion is the number one cause of death in the WORLD. For those who say it is peaceful and based on good, all I can think of are acts of terrorism in 'gods' name. And no, I do not mean the muslim religion, I mean all religions. Christianity had the crusades, burning witches and the inquisitions among a hundred other things, not to mention modern day hate and terrorism based on a few bible verses. Rights are with-held because 'the bible' says so. Next, I reason out why a religion was created in the first place. Religion not only controls people, it is a racket. Give us part of all of your wages because god wants it. Who is really dense enough to buy into that? Do people think 10% of their life income will buy their way into heaven?? Religion is tax exempt and making money hand over fist. Oh, but they help the poor! Sure, right after they build their super churches and pay for a few hookers or buy off the families of the boys the priests are molesting. Then comes the charge 'but how do you have any morals if you don't have god as a moral compass?' Hello. Is god the only thing keeping you from going on a killing spree and eating baby brains for lunch? My moral compass comes from wanting to be a good person. I don't have the threat of hell or the promise of heaven, I am good without god. If those things are the only thing keeping you in check, are you really a good person? The answer is a resounding NO. 'But what do you have to live for if you don't have god?' I have plenty to live for personally. Life is what you make it, and I wake up with a smile and a positive attitude and genuine hope to fill my kids, friends and families life with happiness. you can look at life and see everything that is wrong, and your life will suck, or you can wake up and think of every good thing you have around you and you can be happy. It's not about material things, or a pretend deity, it's about YOU. Prayer is my next gripe. 'I will pray for you'.  No thanks. Two hands put into action do more than 100 hands folded in prayer. Prayer does nothing. God did not heal that sick person, the DOCTOR did. Science did. God did not make that athlete score a touchdown, practice and genetics did that. You don't see an average Joe who has never held a football in his life walk onto a field and become a pro because he received a gift from god. You see athletes who have practiced and played and kept themselves in ideal shape. People don't magically heal from terminal disease because of divine intervention, science did that, a part of their chemical make-up. Bad things happen because 'god has his reasons'. Screw that. According to the bible, 'god' has always been sadistic and prideful and egotistical. 'I will create you with free will, but I already know how you will behave, so I will punish you forever for it'. Who creates a race that they know beforehand they are going to torture forever? Who creates a race and then kills almost every man woman and child on it? Who demands to be worshipped constantly under penalty of death and torture and then calls them self 'loving and forgiving'. And another thing. 'jesus died for your sins'. What? What does that even mean? That makes zero sense. All that serves is to give man an eternal sense of guilt and feeling like he owes 'jesus' something. So lets get this straight. this 'god' impregnated a woman while she was sleeping (RAPE), inserted himself into her, called himself 'jesus' while also existing as god. Died for mans sins and resurrected himself in a few days to head off to heaven. There's a sacrifice. Is it really a sacrifice if you die and re-spawn? I mean, it's not like you had to stay dead or anything. That's like dying for a friend in a video game. But not really. Because he 'died for our sins', which doesn't really mean anything. I mean, that wouldn't work anywhere else would it? I go into the car dealership, 'No, see, I don't have to pay off my loan because look, my brother here cut off his fingers, see? He cut them off for my car loan, so yeah, we're good, right?' What? In what world does that make sense? Yet millions of christians spout that off like a talisman, a rote answer they were brainwashed into giving (right after they drop a paycheck into the collection plate)
So you ask why I am an atheist. Common sense. Thinking for myself. Not being a complete brain-dead sheep.