Sunday, September 8, 2013

Hard descisions

Today I made a hard descision. Anyone close to me knows I have had some problems in my past. People joke about the 'bad touch uncle' in every family. The problem with the one in my family is that he has daughters. Some hate him for what he is, some pretend not to know what he is and some defend him. How do you deal with a situation like that? Well, for me, I didn't talk about it for years, pretended everything was ok, even though I had 30 years worth of nightmares. I remember that day so vividly. The other kids playing in the living room. My sister and my cousin Tia were close and rarely played with me, and my brother and my cousin Matt were close, both way younger than me, so I played alone a lot. That day, I was playing in my aunts master bathroom. She had these strawberry soaps she had as decorations and the sun coming in the little window was golden. I was having a pretend picnic on the bathmat with those strawberry soaps, I was about 7 or 8 years old. The he came in the door, saw me sitting there on the floor and turned and locked the door.
I still have nightmares to this day. When my mom called the police, some of his daughters got mad, they called me a liar and worse. Charges were dropped, but I never forgot. Years passed, it was never talked about. 30 years later, he got facebook. The first time he friend requested me, I got sick. I denied the request and looked up facebook rules about sexual predators and harrassment. A day later, one of his daughters suggested him as a friend to me. I know she did it out of malice, so I blocked her as well. This morning, I woke up to another friend request from him. This time, I accepted it. I carefully thought about what I should say to him. It wasn't eloquent, just angry, and I think my exact words were. "Fuck you, you child molesting piece of shit. I will never forget or forgive." Then I unfriended him and blocked him.
Did he assume that 30 years of silence meant I forgot him? That I forgave what he did? 30 years of nightmares will never let me forget. What right does he have to torment me, or any of his victims? Why is he still walking free? I don't even care if some of his daughters get angry at me, I don't have to forgive him, not ever. They can deny what he is all they want, but I know they all know the truth. They may be able to forgive him, or ignore it, deny anything is wrong, but I don't have to. I am allowed to hate the man who, to this day, makes me sick when someone mentions him, when I wake up from a nightmare about him, or even when a similar situation pops up on TV or media. I have a right to the anger still in me.

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